PTSD
Listed under a Google search of Dysphoria, presumably by Mayo Clinic:
"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: A disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. Symptoms may include general discontent, emotional detachment, unwanted thoughts. Very common."
Google search of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, presumably by Mayo Clinic:
"The condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions. Symptoms may include nightmares or unwanted memories of the trauma, avoidance of situations that bring back memories of the trauma, heightened reactions, anxiety, or depressed mood."
I often feel, to this day, over three years later, that I am walking around in a dream. I no longer feel grounded in this life, but that one foot is in the spirit world where we will return someday after death, and the other is planted on the soiled earth. And sometimes I feel like maybe that feeling is dissipating; until I am in a social situation with other people (people I enjoy and others I may not know at all) and then it hits me like a ton of bricks that I feel like this world is alien to my sensibilities. My cares are not what other's are, or even compared to what my own used to be. I do the things that need to be done in the present, but am ever pondering over the reality I find myself in that doesn't feel real. It's odd, but something that I honestly don't think I'll ever leave behind. I think like the pain and joy that comes from experiences, it will just be something I carry with me for the rest of my life, and the longer I carry it, the less heavy it will feel as I get stronger from the heavy load. That's what it feels like, anyway. Or maybe I'll just give out. :P Hopefully not the latter!
I also often feel like no matter how hard I try to communicate my heart, I must just be easily misunderstood. Part of me finds this frustrating; the other part of me acknowledges this is simply a part of life, of being an imperfect being among imperfect beings. We, at times, and some more than others, make rash judgements without having the full picture; fill in the blanks erroneously; assume information that is not accurate; and listen more often to respond than to understand. It's part of our natural state, I've concluded, that takes conscious thought and effort to work against. It's not easy. I'm also almost turning 35 years old, and these days I'm worn out by life and find that I trust people less now than I did previously. Maybe it's all a part of everyone's journey. Or maybe this is just my particular journey. Either way, it's real and it's shaping me, so I am trying to figure it out as best I can.
In the end, I've grown really intolerant of judgmental commentary and criticism. But goodness, THAT isn't going anywhere any time soon, so I've got to learn to just be me despite it because I want to be. I admire people who don't care at all what others think, but I also find it useful to know what others think sometimes when you're trying to figure out a benchmark on certain aspects of life (is this "normal?", etc.). Either way, the only reason it all bothers me is because I don't think it's kind (I can't claim I'm kind all the time, ha- just ask my husband) and I still care too much about judgement and criticism.
This post became disjointed to me---I couldn't write it in one sitting when the fancy struck, so, it is what it is. 'Til next time.
"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: A disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. Symptoms may include general discontent, emotional detachment, unwanted thoughts. Very common."
Google search of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, presumably by Mayo Clinic:
"The condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions. Symptoms may include nightmares or unwanted memories of the trauma, avoidance of situations that bring back memories of the trauma, heightened reactions, anxiety, or depressed mood."
I often feel, to this day, over three years later, that I am walking around in a dream. I no longer feel grounded in this life, but that one foot is in the spirit world where we will return someday after death, and the other is planted on the soiled earth. And sometimes I feel like maybe that feeling is dissipating; until I am in a social situation with other people (people I enjoy and others I may not know at all) and then it hits me like a ton of bricks that I feel like this world is alien to my sensibilities. My cares are not what other's are, or even compared to what my own used to be. I do the things that need to be done in the present, but am ever pondering over the reality I find myself in that doesn't feel real. It's odd, but something that I honestly don't think I'll ever leave behind. I think like the pain and joy that comes from experiences, it will just be something I carry with me for the rest of my life, and the longer I carry it, the less heavy it will feel as I get stronger from the heavy load. That's what it feels like, anyway. Or maybe I'll just give out. :P Hopefully not the latter!
I also often feel like no matter how hard I try to communicate my heart, I must just be easily misunderstood. Part of me finds this frustrating; the other part of me acknowledges this is simply a part of life, of being an imperfect being among imperfect beings. We, at times, and some more than others, make rash judgements without having the full picture; fill in the blanks erroneously; assume information that is not accurate; and listen more often to respond than to understand. It's part of our natural state, I've concluded, that takes conscious thought and effort to work against. It's not easy. I'm also almost turning 35 years old, and these days I'm worn out by life and find that I trust people less now than I did previously. Maybe it's all a part of everyone's journey. Or maybe this is just my particular journey. Either way, it's real and it's shaping me, so I am trying to figure it out as best I can.
In the end, I've grown really intolerant of judgmental commentary and criticism. But goodness, THAT isn't going anywhere any time soon, so I've got to learn to just be me despite it because I want to be. I admire people who don't care at all what others think, but I also find it useful to know what others think sometimes when you're trying to figure out a benchmark on certain aspects of life (is this "normal?", etc.). Either way, the only reason it all bothers me is because I don't think it's kind (I can't claim I'm kind all the time, ha- just ask my husband) and I still care too much about judgement and criticism.
This post became disjointed to me---I couldn't write it in one sitting when the fancy struck, so, it is what it is. 'Til next time.
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