Heart Makes

Listed under a Google search of Dysphoria, presumably by Mayo Clinic: "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: A disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. Symptoms may include general discontent, emotional detachment, unwanted thoughts. Very common." Google search of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, presumably by Mayo Clinic: "The condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions. Symptoms may include nightmares or unwanted memories of the trauma, avoidance of situations that bring back memories of the trauma, heightened reactions, anxiety, or depressed mood." I often feel, to this day, over three years later, that I am walking around in a dream. I no longer feel grounded in this life, but that one foot is in the spirit world where we will return someday after death, and the other is planted on the soiled e...

Ode to Fatigue I sit here a'dreary After a day's busy fury. And here you are with me. My long-suffering companion, Always there without abandon, How I long to see your life through. But t'is nothing but spite That brings you by my side. And here I am left a-wondering: What would life be, without you here with me; My little ones playing in tandem?

Do you ever feel like you are having a harder and harder time being nice the older you get? That to express what you truly think and feel gets harder and harder to hold back, or even do diplomatically, when you are unsure how it may come across, sound, or be received, whether it will be accurately understood or misunderstood/twisted by the recipient? Maybe I'm just getting more neurotic, but verbal exchanges with family members and people at large feels like a dance to me, and I'm not particularly good at dancing. I often worry I won't know the appropriate or proper steps, that I'll accidentally step on the other person's foot without meaning too, or that I'll cause offense when no offense was intended. Of course, no matter what you do, even if you think you are dancing as carefully as possible, you are more likely to make a mistake when you're worried about making a mistake. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that. Anyway, probably not the best comparison but...

Today was a beautiful fall day. So beautiful it thrilled me to be out in it. It had been raining all morning, a fun change to our sunny days from summer. Everyone felt a bit excited at the prospect of using an umbrella, although neither of my girls remembered to grab their jackets before we had left the house for school dropoff. But by afternoon the rain had passed and the clouds remained, with sunshine starting to peak out through the gray. The wind was picking up around the trees and swirling all around me. It was a truly playful breeze, and the rushing roar it was making through the trees' leaves was like the feeling of something wonderful and exciting coming as I journeyed through the damp grass; so I began to run, my boys tucked securely in the jogging stroller with a blanket. I miss this. And having the forced opportunity to walk outside in nature, even if only for a few minutes each day, is a blessing. Being outside, I feel young, even though many would tell me I am still yo...

I literally was trying to take a "selfie" (am I the only one who is a bit bothered by these micro-labels for everything nowadays?) to put on this blog for my profile picture and I couldn't bring myself to smile or even look natural, so needless to say, I didn't feel good about using any of them! That's one of the new developments within the last few years. I have trouble conjuring up an authentic smile on demand (smiling came readily before). I felt the need to write after listening to General Conference (where The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' members gather, whether in person at the conference center or over satellite, to listen to the words of the prophet and apostles of Jesus Christ), and now I find myself at a loss as to what I wanted to write about. I had many a thought, so many moments of swelling emotion that came out in tears that had to be held back, of sweet feelings as well. Basically, though, I won't be writing about General C...

"I really enjoyed your comments," the elderly gentleman was kindly telling me, after deliberately slipping into the seat next to me between church classes to express this. "But there's one problem." My smile froze as I waited for his response, not sure what was coming. He seemed to pause himself, maybe unsure how to say it. "...You're too young."  ...there was a dream, many dreams, but too much terror to pursue them. I'm actually really hesitant to start this blog but I've had enough comments made to me through the years, and enough YouTube video lectures and books (that I haven't finished yet, mind you) and enough pondering to finally feel that enough is enough; I just need to do this blog despite my fears. So here I am. Hi, I'm Karen. I'm the girl who was shy as I grew up and has struggled my entire life with really knowing who I am, what I want, and what the truth is amidst and surrounding...everything. I am a pursuer of ...